meandering muses, blatherous babble...

a new beginning?

2010-06-02T01:29:00.000-07:00

"the whole, living thing, didn't make sense anymore..."
"staff sargeant will montgomery" from the movie "the messenger"

lost moments

2008-01-01T23:25:00.000-08:00

lordy how time flies. happy new year! it's 2008 now. eh, feels the same to me in actuality, but i guess it doesn't hurt to hope.

oh, so yeah, my sister is pregnant. the bloodwork confirmed that she was about 4 weeks pregnant (at the time of my last posting). she's even had an ultrasound since then, and there definitely is a lil beast growing. so so exciting. my lil sis is all grownz up.

i was glancing through december's koream edition and came across a snippet honoring fallen korean soldiers from operation iraqi freedom. unfortunately i don't remember their names and i can't find anything about them online. i need to go out and buy this edition so i can do a little research. but they were both young and from the los angeles area. it really touched me and just keeps making this whole blasted war futile.

hmmm, what else. oh, i saw a couple of dvd's which i really enjoyed. first is a korean flic entitled "attack the gas station" in english. it's just a fun movie and it's been so long since i've enjoyed something this much. basically, the plot runs along 4 punks who are bored and take over a gas station. what ensues is just chaos, pandemonium, and outrageous antics. total hilarity which won me over and is in my top ten just for that. quality entertainment in my eyes.

the second is a french flic called "paris je t'aime." it's a conglomeration of 5 minute shorts done by about 20 directors. the underlying theme has to do with paris and love. it's amazing what these directors did in 2 days of filming. granted each short is 5 minutes, but imagine trying to squeeze in a story, ramping up character development, essentially drawing in the viewer in those 5 minutes. not an easy task...

new years eve was spent with close friends. we went to bohemian. it was just like any other nite, which is a good thing. i wanted a mellow ringin in of the new year. but yeah, good times, good folks, and good memories. i even met an interesting cutie who i'm actually gonna pursue! that should tell you it was worth hanging out there. i rarely run into someone in k-town that i would give up my time for...

hmmm, i guess this post was just another random blather. i really did have things i wanted to post about since my last entry, but alas, those are lost moments. i hope these are minimal in '08...

np: nothing, just sitting here and thinking while i type

long time no write...

2007-11-29T01:42:00.000-08:00

hmmm, i might be an uncle in training. my sister just told me yesterday she suspects a muffin is baking in the oven. her bloodwork will be in later today. wow. she's gonna steal my thunder from my parents. but if her suspicions are confirmed, and her estimate of 7 weeks is accurate, then the little one might have the same birthday as myself.

i'm so excited and happy for us all. what a way to start the holidays. both her and talan will be in this saturday for a week. it'll be fun hanging out and catching up. to family and unexpected surprises...

np: berlin off of insen by alvo noto + ryuichi sakamoto

just felt another tremor

2007-10-16T01:58:00.001-07:00

prelim reports show a magnitude of 4.2 a little north of mt. baldy. that's about 100 miles away from where i'm at, yet i still felt the familiar rolling waves.

ok, back to seducing sweet slumber...

np: blue shibuya dream by manual

crushing butts is satisfying

2007-10-15T01:58:00.000-07:00

cigarette butts that is. dunno why, but i get great satisfaction over the sensation of smothering that cherry out. i also like popping it out. i'll hold the butt between my index finger and thumb, then use my middle finger to flick the burning end. sometimes i even try to aim the ejected cherry, but it usually ends up flying whereever it wants.

i can't toss butts on the street. i hate littering, so i taught myself how to pop the cherry out so that i can dump the butt somewhere.

what i should really do is quit this nagging habit. it's really eating me up, but the draw is too great. i've even gone 7 months once and it was exhilirating. but this stuff is like crack. it becomes a part of you. it becomes me.

np: brainwash by swat squad

it's 1:42 am and a crow is cawing...

2007-09-25T01:42:00.000-07:00

quoth the raven, nevermore.

sorry i get so melancholy and pensive, but at this lonely hour in this lonely place, my lonely head can only go but in one lonely direction.

hence i never take company for granted. i throw down and i want others around me to enjoy just as much. i admit i go to extremes, but it's b/c of the inevitable return to emptiness. i always end up home alone. so why not live it up otherwise, eh? i'd hate for others to feel what i feel... such a great injustice. me? well, i'm weathered and it's been years. in a way, i don't know of any other life. it'd be akin to a long time inmate being released into the civilian world. so overwhelming. one wouldn't know what to do w/ oneself and long for the bars, the familiar confines.

hmmm, it might be time for a new laptop. my screen won't stay up at certain angles.

piddly palaver. garbage. ridiculous stream of consciousness. i keep returning to that poem _auto wreck_ by karl shapiro. there was a discussion in high school many many years ago... and to this day my thoughts still return to it. "what justice is there in an auto wreck?"

AUTO WRECK by Karl Shapiro (c: 1941)

Its quick soft silver bell beating, beating
And down the dark one ruby flare
Pulsing out red light like an artery,
The ambulance at top speed floating down
Past beacons and illuminated clocks
Wings in a heavy curve, dips down,
And brakes speed, entering the crowd.
The doors leap open, emptying light;
Stretchers are laid out, the mangled lifted
And stowed into the little hospital.
Then the bell, breaking the hush, tolls once,
And the ambulance with its terrible cargo
Rocking, slightly rocking, moves away,
As the doors, an afterthought, are closed.
We are deranged, walking among the cops
Who sweep glass and are large and composed.
One is still making notes under the light.
One with a bucket douches ponds of blood
Into the street and gutter.
One hangs lanterns on the wrecks that cling,
Empty husks of locusts, to iron poles.

Our throats were tight as tourniquets,
Our feet were bound with splints, but now,
Like convalescents intimate and gauche,
We speak through sickly smiles and warn
With the stubborn saw of common sense,
The grim joke and the banal resolution.
The traffic moves around with care,
But we remain, touching a wound
That opens to our richest horror.
Already old, the question, Who shall die?
Becomes unspoken, Who is innocent?
For death in war is done by hands;
Suicide has cause and stillbirth, logic;
And cancer, simple as a flower, blooms.
But this invites the occult mind,
Cancels our physics with a sneer,
And spatters all we knew of dénouement
Across the expedient and wicked stones.

np: out of the box by pete lawrence (sonically manipulated by ulrich schnauss)

ps: why the f*ck is a crow cawing at this hour?

don't want to write, have nothing to dribble over anyway, but still feel obligated...

2007-09-24T01:16:00.000-07:00

so yeah, another crazy week has come and gone. at least it's not hot. in fact, it rained... a lot. the other day. thunder and lightning. very very frightening...

got pretty sloshed this past week. can't remember much. hazy thoughts, flashbulb moments, faceless faces... debauchery, drugs, death-defying descent.

good times though and great company. i wish i hadn't opened my mouth though, it makes me feel extremely vulnerable and weak. i'm usually good w/ putting up a brick wall, but i do have moments of weakness - especially when in a drug/alcohol induced state, and inspiring muses.

just watched _last life in the universe_. it has made my top ten of movies watched this year. i'm simple. the movie was simple. i'm subtle. the movie was subtle. i'm obsessive. the subject matter was obsessive. i want to fall off this planet. this movie made me feel that.

i cleaned a little today. i thought a lot today. i've been having strange, lucid dreams that make me long for things unattainable... kinda like flying / levitating / drifting / dying... felo de se.

must try to sleep. back off, leave me alone. this takes full concentration, a concerted effort. i can't sleep. but i must.

np: you can live the dream by yunx

it's still hot

2007-09-04T01:23:00.001-07:00

can't sleep. so i'm havin a cold beer and sitting on my porch shirtless in the hopes that i cool off. there is a nice breeze though.

i just saw the simpsons earlier with my friend jennifer. very entertaining. there were some unexpected witty moments.

i also posted on craigslist. nothing fancy, just a rant about the heat. i didn't think i'd get replies (that wasn't the intention), but a few women did indulge me.

now go away and leave me alone...

bathing in jet engine exhaust...

2007-09-03T00:36:00.000-07:00

it's hot. can't sleep. i'm really digging this.
really.
totally.

no lie.

np: my winter vacation by populous